Cyberbubba Central - Tickle Me IV

Tickle Me Cyberbubba V

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Yet more jokes, riddles, humorous facts and stuff that makes you go hmmmmmmmmm :-)
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New Age Philosophy

1) I can please only one person per day. Today is not your day. Tomorrow isn't looking good either.

2) I love deadlines. I especially like the whooshing sound they make as they go flying by.

3) Am I getting smart with you? How would you know?

4) I'd explain it to you, but your brain would explode.

5) Someday we'll look back on all this and plow into a parked car.

6) There are very few personal problems that cannot be solved through a suitable application of high explosives.

7) Tell me what you need, and I'll tell you how to get along without it.

8) Accept that some days you're the pigeon, and some days you're the statue.

9) Needing someone is like needing a parachute. If he isn't there the first time you need him, chances are you won't be needing him again.

10) I don't have an attitude problem. You have a perception problem.

11) Last night I lay in bed looking up at the stars in the sky and I thought to myself, "Where the heck is the ceiling?"

12) My Reality Check bounced.

13) On the keyboard of life, always keep one finger on the escape key.

14) I don't suffer from stress. I'm a carrier.

15) You're slower than a herd of turtles stampeding through peanut butter.

16) Do not meddle in the affairs of dragons, 'cuz, you are crunchy and taste good with ketchup.

17) Everybody is somebody else's weirdo.

18) Never argue with an idiot. They drag you down to their level then beat you with experience.

DOGS AND CATS

Excerpts from a DOG'S diary:

Day number 180

8:00 am - OH BOY! DOG FOOD! MY FAVORITE!
9:30 am - OH BOY! A CAR RIDE! MY FAVORITE!
9:40 am - OH BOY! A WALK! MY FAVORITE!
10:30 am - OH BOY! A CAR RIDE! MY FAVORITE!
11:30 am - OH BOY! DOG FOOD! MY FAVORITE!
12:00 noon - OH BOY! THE KIDS! MY FAVORITE!
1:00 pm - OH BOY! THE YARD! MY FAVORITE!
4:00 pm - OH BOY! THE KIDS! MY FAVORITE!
5:00 PM - OH BOY! DOG FOOD! MY FAVORITE!
5:30 PM - OH BOY! MOM! MY FAVORITE!

Day number 181

Day number 182

8:00 am - OH BOY! DOG FOOD! MY FAVORITE!
9:30 am - OH BOY! A CAR RIDE! MY FAVORITE!
9:40 am - OH BOY! A WALK! MY FAVORITE!
10:30 am - OH BOY! A CAR RIDE! MY FAVORITE!
11:30 am - OH BOY! DOG FOOD! MY FAVORITE!
12:00 noon - OH BOY! THE KIDS! MY FAVORITE!
1:00 pm - OH BOY! THE YARD! MY FAVORITE!
1:30 pm - ooooooo. bath. bummer.
4:00 pm - OH BOY! THE KIDS! MY FAVORITE!
5:00 PM - OH BOY! DOG FOOD! MY FAVORITE!
5:30 PM - OH BOY! MOM! MY FAVORITE!

EXCERPTS FROM A CAT'S DIARY

DAY 752 - My captors continue to taunt me with bizarre little dangling objects. They dine lavishly on fresh meat, while I am forced to eat dry cereal. The only thing that keeps me going is the hope of escape, and the mild satisfaction I get from ruining the occasional piece of furniture. Tomorrow I may eat another houseplant.

DAY 761 - Today my attempt to kill my captors by weaving around their feet while they were walking almost succeeded, must try this at the top of the stairs. In an attempt to disgust and repulse these vile oppressors, I once again induced myself to vomit on their favorite chair...must try this on their bed.

DAY 765 - Decapitated a mouse and brought them the headless body, in attempt to make them aware of what I am capable of, and to try to strike fear into their hearts. They only cooed and condescended about what a good little cat I was...Hmmm. Not working according to plan.

DAY 768 - I am finally aware of how sadistic they are. For no good reason I was chosen for the water torture. This time however it included a burning foamy chemical called "shampoo." What sick minds could invent such a liquid? My only consolation is the piece of thumb still stuck between my teeth.

DAY 771 - There was some sort of gathering of their accomplices. I was placed in solitary throughout the event. However, I could hear the noise and smell the foul odor of the glass tubes they call "beer". More importantly I overheard that my confinement was due to MY power of "allergies." Must learn what this is and how to use it to my advantage.

DAY 774 - I am convinced the other captives are flunkies and maybe snitches. The dog is routinely released and seems more than happy to return. He is obviously a half-wit. The bird on the other hand has got to be an informant, and speaks with them regularly. I am certain he reports my every move. Due to his current placement in the metal room his safety is assured. But I can wait; it is only a matter of time...

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