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What's
Your "Southern" Sign?
Some of us (especially
Southerners) are pretty skeptical of horoscopes, and it has become obvious that
our present astrological signs have served their purpose and that we should get
rid of them. When out and about, one can see bulls, and once in a great while,
even a ram. Up the street, there may be some twins. The rest of these things
are just too obscure.
You only see crabs on
vacation. There are no lions or scorpions; not many archers and no water bearers.
Virgins? The town's not crawling with them either.
What we need
are SOUTHERN things.
OKRA (Dec 22 - Jan 20):
Although you appear crude,
you are actually very slick
on the inside.
Okras have tremendous
influence. An older Okra can
look back over his life and
see the seeds of his
influence everywhere. Stay away from Moon Pies.
CHITLIN (Jan 21 - Feb 19):
Chitlins come from humble
backgrounds. A chitlin,
however, can make
something of himself if he's
motivated and has lots of
seasoning. In dealing with
Chitlins, be careful. They
can erupt like Vesuvius.
Chitlins are best with
Catfish and Okra.
BOLL WEEVIL (Feb 20 - Mar 20):
You have an overwhelming
curiosity. You're unsatisfied
with the surface of
things,and you feel the need to
bore deep into the interior
of everything. Needless
to say, you are very intense
and driven as if you had
some inner hunger. Nobody in
their right mind is going
to marry you, so don't worry
bout it.
MOON PIE (Mar 21 - April 20):
You're the type that spends
a lot of time on the front
porch. It's a
cinch to recognize the
physical appearance of Moon
Pies. Big and round are the
key words here. You should
marry anybody who you can
get remotely interested in
the idea. It's not going to
be easy. This might be the
year to think about
aerobics. Maybe not.
POSSUM (APR 21 - May 21):
When confronted with life's
difficulties, possums have
a marked tendency
to withdraw and develop a
don't-bother-me-about-it
attitude. Sometimes you
become so withdrawn, people
actually think you're dead.
This strategy is probably
not psychologically healthy,
but seems to work for
you. One
day, however, it won't work
and you may find your
problems actually running
you over.
CRAWFISH (May 22 - June 21):
Crawfish is a water sign. If
you work in an office,
you're always hanging
around the water cooler.
Crawfish prefer the beach to
the mountains, the
pool to the golf course, the
bathtub to the living
room. You tend to be not
particularly attractive
physically, but you have very,
very good heads.
COLLARDS (June 22 - July 23):
Collards have a genius for
communication. They love to
get in the
"meltingpot" of
life and share their essence with the
essence of those
around them. Collards make
good social workers,
psychologists, and baseball
managers. As far as your
personal life goes, if you
are Collards, stay away
from Moon Pies. It just
won't work. Save yourself a
lot of heartache.
CATFISH (July 24 - Aug 23):
Catfish are traditionalists
in matters of the heart,
although those whiskers
may cause problems for loved
ones. You catfish are
never easy people to
understand. You prefer the
muddy bottoms to the clear
surface of life.
Above all else, Catfish
should stay away from Moon
Pies.
GRITS (Aug 24 - Sept 23):
Your highest aim is to be
with others like yourself.
You like to huddle
together with a big crowd of
other Grits. You love to
travel though, so
maybe you should think about
joining a club. Where do
you like to go? Anywhere
they have cheese or gravy or
bacon or butter or eggs. If
you can go somewhere where
they have all these things,
that serves you well.
BOILED
PEANUTS (Sept 24 - Oct 23):
You have a passionate desire
to help your fellow man.
Unfortunately,
those who know you best -
your friends and loved ones
- may find that your
personality is much too salty,
and their criticism will
probably affect
you deeply because you are
really much softer than you
appear. You should go right
ahead and marry anybody
you want to because in a
certain way, yours is a
charmed life. On the road of
life, you can be sure
that people will always pull
over and stop for you.
BUTTER BEAN (October 24 - Nov 22):
Always invite a Butter Bean
because Butter Beans get
along well with
everybody. You, as a Butter
Bean, should be proud.
You've grown on the
vine of life and you feel at
home no matter what the
setting. You can sit
next to anybody. However, you, too, shouldn't have
anything to do with Moon
Pies.
ARMADILLO (Nov 23 - Dec 21):
You have a tendency to
develop a tough exterior, but
you are actually
quite gentle. A good evening
for you? Old friends, a
fire, some roots, fruit,
worms and insects. You are a
throwback. You're not
concerned with today's
fashions and trends. You're not
concerned with anything
about today. You're really
almost prehistoric in
your interests and behavior
patterns. You probably want to marry another
Armadillo, but Possum is
another somewhat kinky,
mating possibility.