DADS RULES FOR DATING

(as given to the “boyfriend”)

 

 

Rule One:

 

If you pull into my driveway and honk, you'd better be delivering a

package, because you're sure not picking anything up.

 

Rule Two:

 

You do not touch my daughter in front of me. You may glance at her, so

long as you do not peer at anything below her neck. If you cannot keep

your eyes or hands off my daughter's body, I will remove them.

 

Rule Three:

 

I am aware that it is considered fashionable for boys of your age to

wear their trousers so loosely that they appear to be falling off their

hips. Please don't take this as an insult, but you and all of your

friends are complete idiots. Still, I want to be fair and open-minded

about this issue, so I propose this compromise: You may come to the door

with your underwear showing and your pants ten sizes too big, and I will

not object. However, in order to ensure that your clothes do not, in

fact come off during the course of your date with my daughter, I will

take my electric nail gun and fasten your trousers securely in place to

your waist.

 

Rule Four:

 

I'm sure you've been told that in today's world, sex without using a

"Barrier method" of some kind can kill you. Let me elaborate, when it

comes to sex, I am the barrier, and I will kill you.

 

Rule Five:

 

It is usually understood that in order for us to get to know each other,

we should talk about sports, politics, and other issues of the day.

Please do not do this. The only information I require from you is an

indication of when you expect to have my daughter safely back at my

house, and the only word I need from you on this subject is: "early."

 

 

Rule Six:

 

I have no doubt you are a popular fellow, with many opportunities to

date other girls. This is fine with me as long as it is okay with my

daughter. Otherwise, once you have gone out with my little girl, you

will continue to date no one but her until she is finished with you, If

you make her cry, I will make you cry.

 

Rule Seven:

 

As you stand in my front hallway, waiting for my daughter to appear, and

more than an hour goes by, do not sigh and fidget. If you want to be on

time for the movie, you should not be dating. My daughter is putting on

her makeup, a process that can take longer than painting the Golden Gate

Bridge. Instead of just standing there, why don't you do something

useful, like changing the oil in my car?

 

Rule Eight:

 

The following places are not appropriate for a date with my daughter:

Places where there are beds, sofas, or anything softer than a wooden

stool. Places where there is darkness. Places where there is dancing,

holding hands, or happiness. Places where the ambient temperature is

warm enough to induce my daughter to wear shorts, tank tops, midriff

T-shirts, or anything other than overalls, a sweater, and a goose down

parka - zipped up to her throat. Movies with a strong romantic or sexual

theme are to be avoided; movies which feature chain saws are okay.

Hockey games are okay. Old folks homes are better.

 

Rule Nine:

 

Do not lie to me. I may appear to be a pot-bellied, balding,

middle-aged, dim-witted has-been. But on issues relating to my daughter,

I am the all-knowing, merciless god of your universe. If I ask you where

you are going and with whom, you have one chance to tell me the truth,

the whole truth and nothing but the truth. I have a shotgun, a shovel,

and five acres behind the house. Do not trifle with me and don’t kid yourself, you won’t be missed!

 

Rule Ten:

 

Be afraid. Be very afraid. It takes very little for me to mistake the

sound of your car in the driveway for a chopper coming in over a rice

paddy near Hanoi. When my Agent Orange starts acting up, the voices in

my head frequently tell me to clean the guns as I wait for you to bring

my daughter home. As soon as you pull into the driveway, you should exit

the car with both hands in plain sight. Speak the perimeter password,

announce in a clear voice that you have brought my daughter home safely

and early, then return to your car - there is no need for you to come

inside. The camouflaged face at the window is mine.