Cyberbubba Central - One-Liners & Topical Quotes for 2000+

ONE-LINERS and MORE TOPICAL QUOTATIONS
FOR THE NEW MILLENIUM

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[ SHAKESPEARE ] [ LOVE ] [ STUPID ] [ ONE A DAY ]
[ George Bernard Shaw ] [ Sir Walter Raleigh ] [ MAIN QUOTATIONS PAGE ]

..... as I was saying, I have seen, heard and been assaulted with so many great one-liners over time that I thought it best that I write some down, hence was born - The One-Liners.

"I voted Republican this year. The Democrats left a bad taste in my mouth."
Monica Lewinsky * gets my vote for the quote of the year 2000!

You - Off my planet.

Not the brightest crayon in the box now, are we?

Well, this day was a total waste of makeup.

Errors have been made. Others will be blamed.

And your crybaby whiny-assed opinion would be...?

I'm not crazy, I've just been in a very bad mood for 30 years.

Allow me to introduce my selves.

Sarcasm is just one more service we offer.

Whatever kind of look you were going for, you missed.

I'm just working here until a good fast-food job opens up.

I'm trying to imagine you with a personality.

Stress is when you wake up screaming and you realize you weren't asleep.

I can't remember if I'm the good twin or the evil one.

How many times do I have to flush before you go away?

I just want revenge. Is that so wrong?

You say I'm a bitch like it's a bad thing.

Can I trade this job for what's behind door #2?

Nice perfume. Must you marinate in it?

Chaos, panic, and disorder-my work here is done.

Earth is full. Go home.

Is it time for your medication or mine?

How do I set a laser printer to stun?

I'm not tense, just terribly, terribly alert.

I Have The Body Of A God......Buddha

This Would Be Really Funny If It Weren't Happening To Me

So Many Pedestrians - So Little Time

Cleverly Disguised As A Responsible Adult

If Progress Means To Move Forward What Does Congress Mean?

If We Quit Voting Will They All Go Away?

Politics - From The Words "Poly," Meaning "Many," And "Ticks," As In "Small, Bloodsucking Parasites"

The Face Is Familiar But I Can't Quite Remember My Name

He Who Dies With The Most Toys ... Is dead

Eat Right, Exercise, Die Anyway

Illiterate? Write For Help

He Who Laughs Last Thinks Slowest

He Who Hesitates Is Not Only Lost But Miles From The Next Exit

I Refuse To Have A Battle Of Wits With An Unarmed Person

Dyslexics Of The World - Untie!

You! Out Of The Gene Pool!

I Do Whatever My Rice Krispies Tell Me To

Where Are We Going And Why Am I In This Handbasket?

CAT .. The other white meat!

Lost your cat? Did you check under my tires?

It's Been Lovely But I Have To Scream Now

I Haven't Lost My Mind, It's Backed Up On Disk Somewhere

"All's fair in love and war" - what a contemptible lie!

"Automatic" simply means that you cannot repair it yourself

"Choose your friends carefully" - Y. Arafat

"Conclusion": the place where you got tired of thinking

"Counselor,do you know what he's feeling?" "Yes,and he'd better stop!"

"Criminal Lawyer" is a redundancy

"Don't torture yourself, Gomez... that's my job" - Morticia

"Don't use our trashcan, it's only for apples!"

"Honey! Did you miss me today?" ... "With every shot!"

"I'm not as young as I used to be" Guinan

"Live long and suffer" - Ancient Vulcan curse

"One planet - five billion sovereign states!" - Tom Jennings

"Press Control-Q"..."Q here, what may I do to you today?"

"Press to test" <Click> "Release to detonate"

"Rodents of Unusual Size"? Gotta be my neighbors!

"Treat her like a lady, and she'll always bring you home..."

"User" is a four letter word

"Wes, you cheated!" "No, I improvised"

"What did you do to the computer, Monkey-Man?" - Zaphod

"When one is in a penalty box, tears are permitted" Picard

"You are as beautiful as I imagined... and more..." Geordi to Tasha

"You fear the Klingon. In this is no need for apology"

"You work with your females, arm them, and force them to wear clothing"

#@$ffwe99fjaljk ... Hey! Get the cat off the keyboard!

#define ROSE any_other_name

$$$.$$ not found: A)bort, R)efinance, B)ankruptcy?

2*3*3*37 - The prime factorization of the beast

2+2=5, for sufficiently large values of 2

9 out of 10 men who try camels prefer women

90% of being smart is knowing what you're dumb at

95% of all statistics are nonsense

A bird in hand is safer than one overhead

A bird in the hand is the best way to eat chicken

A blimp with an airbag is redundant

A brute kills for pleasure. A fool kills from hate

A cat can be caught in almost any trap once

A closed mouth gathers no feet

A closed mouth says nothing wrong; a closed mind does nothing right

A criminal lawyer - is there any other kind?

A day without sunshine is like night

A feature is a bug with seniority

A foot is a device for finding furniture in the dark

A friend in need is a pest indeed

A friend in power is a friend lost

A friend likes you even though he doesn't need you anymore

A furore normannorum libera nos domine

A good angle to approach any problem is the try-angle

A gun gives you the body, not the bird

A kind word is like a spring day - Russian Proverb

A Mogwai is simply a highly evolved Tribble

A mouse may be useful but only as cat food

A naked man fears no pickpocket

A pessimist complains about noise when opportunity knocks

A simple idea will be worded in the most complicated way

A sin is two sins when it is defended - Henry Smith

A single fact can spoil a good argument

A truly wise person knows that he knows not

Absolute zero freezes absolutly

Academic rivalries are so intense because the stakes are so small

Advice is a dangerous commodity

After four decimal places, nobody gives a damn

Age and treachery will always overcome youth and skill

Ah come on, just this one last little feature

Air controllers nightmare: A pack of F-117s landing

All extremists should be taken out and shot

All five second grenade fuses are three seconds

All great discoveries are made by mistake

All people smile in the same language

All play and no work is probably the best life possible

All that glitters has a high refractive index

All things are possible. Except skiing through a revolving door

All true wisdom is found on T-shirts and taglines

Always forgive your enemies. They -HATE- that!

Always willing to learn!

Among the porcupines, rape is unknown

An optimist is a guy without much experience

And God said: E = «mvı - Zeı/r, and there was light!

Answers: $1 Correct Answers: $5 Dumb Looks: Free

Anything you say will be misquoted & used against you

Appreciate me now - and avoid the rush

Are subliminal <send me money> messages effective?

Are you suggesting that coconuts migrate?

As confused as a termite in a yo-yo

As I said before, I NEVER repeat myself

Ask others for help and be in debt forever!

If athletes get athelete's foot, Do astronauts get missile-toe?

At night, all cats are grey

Baby Philosophy - If it stinks, change it

Bacteria acts more intelligent than human beings

Bad Credit? No Credit? No Problem. No Money? Problem

Bad is never good until worse happens

Bald spot? No - solar panel for brain power

Be part of the solution - not part of the problem

Be suspicious of all native-born Esperanto speakers

Beauty is in the eye of the beer holder...

Beauty too rich for use; for Earth too dear

Behind every argument is someone's ignorance

Ben Kenobi at the dinner table: Use the FORKS, Luke!

Bet you can't stop reading here <== I knew it...

Better Living through CHEMISTRY

Better to marry a man who loves you than one you love

Between two evils, I always pick the one I never tried

Beware of what you ask of the Gods, for they may...

Black holes are where God divided by zero

Blow your mind... Smoke gunpowder

Brain damage? No thanks, I already have some

Brain n. (brAn'): Organ with which we think we think

Breaking Windows isn't just for kids anymore...

Breast size times I.Q. is constant

But you can't stay here with every single hope you had shattered

Cat \kat'\ n. 1: A dog with an attitude problem

Catatonic: feline medicinal drink

Cats, like butterflies, need no excuse

Cats, proof that eating and sleeping isn't all bad

Celibacy is not hereditary

Change is inevitable, except from a vending machine

Chemists have nice reactions

Chemists never die - they just stop reacting

Choose heaven for climate, hell for society

College don't make fools; they only develop them

Common sense is instinct. Enough of it is genius

Confidence is the feeling you had before you knew better

Confusion is the only true road to understanding

Constants aren't; variables don't

Could anybody tell me why?

Courage is fear holding on a minute longer

Creativity: Not referenceing your sources

Crime is merely politics without the excuses

Dachshund: Half a dog high by a dog and a half long

Dachshunds are really small crocodiles with fur

Degeneration and evolution are not the same thing

Dangerous Exercise: Jumping to Conclusions

Devoted to the study of cat bathing as a martial art

Difference between a hero and a coward is one step back

Distrust your first impressions; they are invariably too favorable

Do molecular biologists wear designer genes?

DO NOT ADJUST YOUR MIND - the fault is with reality

Do you have to open graves to find a girl to fall in love with?

Dogs crawl under fences, Software crawls under Windows

Dogs think they're human, but cats think they're god

Doing nothing is tiring 'cause you can't take a break!

Don't be a snob. Never lie when truth is more profitable

Don't be so humble...you aren't that great

Don't get married if you are afraid of solitude

Don't hate yourself in the morning - sleep till noon

Don't meddle in the affairs of Wizards...

Don't take life seriously - you won't get out alive!

Drive slower than your guardian angel can fly

Due to lack of interest tomorrow is cancelled

Dumb questions are better than smart mistakes

dy(3x^4 + 2x-5)/dx = 12x^3 + 2

e = mc^2: 2.718281828... = mc^2?

Eagles may soar, but weasels aren't sucked into jets

Emotion vs logic? Emotion always wins

Even the most faithful believer can serve a false god

Everybody's death simplifies life for someone

Everyone has the right to be ugly, but some abuse the privilege

Everyone is gifted. Some open the package sooner

Everything is just chemistry!

Evolution: God's way of upgrading the hardware

Excuse me, but isn't assassinating your professor technically cheating?

Experience enables you to recognize a mistake when you make it again

Experience is directly proportional to ruined equipment

Experience is something you don't get until just after you need it

Experience is what you get when you don't get what you wanted

Extinction is the ultimate fate of all species

Extreme sorrow laughs; extreme joy weeps

Fact. Stranger than any science fiction

Facts are stubborn things

Faint hearts never win in love nor sell life insurance

Fame: Chiefly a matter of dying at the right moment

Famous last words: This is the safe way to do it...

Fear is no great respecter of reason

First Rule of Holes: if you're in one, STOP DIGGING!

For peace of mind, resign as general manager of the universe

FOR SALE: Iraqi rifles. Never fired, dropped once

For Sale: One parachute. Used once. Never opened. Small stain

Ford, you're turning into a penguin. Stop it

Forget everything you just heard, and go back to sleep

Forget patience! I'm gonna kill something...

Friends may come and friends may go, but enemies accumulate

From the committee to use professional politicians as lab animals!

Geologist - Fault finder

Get too many irons in your fire and you'll put it out

God is absolute. You are conditional

God must love the common man; He made so many of them

Got Mole problem? Call Avogadro at 6.02 X 10^23

Have a nice day unless you have other plans

Have you clubbed an ignorant human today?

Health is simply the slowest way to die

Heisenberg may have been here

Hell of a way to travel, having a man's molecules spread across space

Help stamp out vandalism, or I'll break all your windows

Help stamp out, eliminate, and abolish redundancy!

History has shown us that strength may be useless when faced with terrorism

Hold on boys, you can't all die at once

Honest ociffer, there's no blood in my alcohol content!

Honor would best be served if you were to become my mate

How can I fail when I have no purpose?

How can I miss you if you don't go away?

How could man have evolved from a species as organized as the apes?

How do you tell if a bagpipe is out of tune?

How many of you believe in telekinesis? Raise my hands...

Human beings were created by water, to carry it uphill

I am always exact and precise (more or less)

I am free of prejudices. I hate everyone equally

I am sweet and lovable at all times

I can do anything, given the satisfaction that it's annoying someone

I can resist everything except temptation

I could tell you, but then I'd have to kill you

I didn't claw my way to the top of the food chain to eat vegetables

I didn't do it, nobody saw me do it, you can't prove it!

I DO NOT repeat gossip, so I'm gonna say this once

I do not think you will accept my help, as I'm waiting to kill you

I drank from the fountain of knowledge, you just gargled

I fight evil wherever it may be! Except in dark, scary places...

I have a firm grip on reality. Now I can strangle it

I have a photographic memory but I'm out of film

I just escaped the twilight zone and fell into the 0zone

I just want to be a lover not a red eyed screaming ghoul

I know the speed of light - what's the speed of dark?

I like kids, but I don't think I could eat a whole one

I may not always be perfect, but i'm always me!

I may not be perfect, but I am all I got!

I need to be born AGAIN? No, *I* got it right the first time...

I often daydream about my inability to fantasize

I still miss my wife - but my aim is improving!

I swear, the cat was like that when I found it

I think ... therefore I am overqualified

I think I shall now be sick

I think, therefore I am single

I tolerate this century, but I don't enjoy it

I tried to drown my problems but they can swim!

I tried to get a life, but they were out of stock

I understand your concerns. Request denied

I used to be disgusted; now I'm just amused

I want to go on living, I want to see my life unfold

I will fight to the death for your right to *my* opinion

I wouldn't need another haircut if you'd done the job right the first time

I wouldn't touch the metric system with a 3.048 meter pole!

I'd love to but, I have to study for a blood test...

I'm as confused as a baby at a topless bar

I'm incredibly jealous, but still glad for you

I'm not arrogant, I'm just better than you

I'm not worthless! I can always serve as a bad example!

I'm omniscient, omnipotent, and omnivorous

I'm so environmental, I buy paper to recycle it

I'm sorry, but if you want to argue, you'll have to pay the fee

I'm terribly sorry, but I'm afraid you're just a mirage

I've fallen in love but can't remember her name

I never killed anyone at the supper table, Mister LaForge - Kurn

I hate Vulcans! I hate the logic! I hate the arrogance! - Sela

I have much to teach you about women - Worf

I've got an allergy to Perrier, daylight and responsiblity

I've seen suns that were freezing and lies that were true

If A = B and B = C, then A = C, except where void or prohibited by law

If a = b and b = c, then we've got a messed up alphabet

If at first you don't succeed, destroy all evidence that you tried

If at first you don't succeed, redefine success

If at first you don't succeed, skydiving is not for you

If at first you succeed, hide your astonishment

If everything is coming your way, you're in the wrong lane

If I want your stupid opinion, I'll beat it out of you

If it jams - force it. If it breaks, it needed replacing anyway

If it screams, it's not food yet

If it stinks, it's chemistry

If it walks out of the refrigerator, let it go!

If it works, break it!

If it works, rip it apart and find out why!

If it's green or it wriggles, it's biology

If it's obvious, it's obviously wrong

If it's Tourist Season, why can't we shoot them?

If sex is a pain in the ass, you're doing it wrong

If then enemy is in range, so are you

If there was an "Ugly" museum, you'd be the prize possession

If there were no electricity, we'd all be Ohmless

If we fear new experiences, our knowledge is secondhand

If we're going to be damned, let's be damned for what we really are

If you are feeling good, don't worry; you'll get over it

If you butter a cat's back, what side would it land on?

If you can read this, my cloaking device is on the fritz

If you can't be careful, don't name it after me!

If you can't be offensive WHY BOTHER?

If you can't live without me, why aren't you dead?

If you can't make both ends meat, make one a vegetable

If you can't tell fact from opinion, you belong in government

If you cannot convince them, confuse them

If you don't care where you are, then you can't get lost

If you don't like my opinion of you - improve yourself!

If you meet someone without a smile, give them yours. :^)

If you try to please everybody, nobody will like it

If you're not the lead dog, everything looks the same!

If you're too old to learn, you were born so

If your mind goes blank, don't forget to turn off the sound

In a nuclear war, all men will be cremated equal

In just two days, tomorrow will be yesterday

Infinity is irritating

Interesting curves can be dangerous ones...

Iraqi bingo: B-52... F-16... A-10... M-1... white flag!

It ain't brag if you can back it up

It is better to copulate seldom rather than never

It is easier to ask for forgiveness than for permission...

It is meaningless to speak of domesticating a child

It's always darkest before you step on the cat

It's not the bullet that kills you, it's the hole

Just when your ship comes in, it's the Kobyashi Maru

Lawyer: a cat who settles differences between mice

Learning to love yourself is the greatest love of all...

Life is a tragedy for feelers and a comedy for thinkers

Life is lived forwards, but understood backwards

Life is too important to be taken seriously

Life would be much simpler if we could just look at the source code

Life:You can't win. You can't break even. You can't even quit the game

Look unimportant - The enemy may be low on ammo

Lord, give me patience ... but give it to me NOW!

Love is a sickness that slows down your career

Love truth but pardon error

Love your enemies - it makes them so damned mad

Make it as simple as possible, but no simpler

Man loves little and often, woman much and rarely

Man you're dying for what you've lost but never had

Me hates peoples who don't use gooder English

Me... A skeptic? I trust you have proof....

Measured with a micrometer. Marked with chalk. Cut with an axe

Medicine: the art of amusing the ill while nature heals

Men don't roar, women roar, and they hurl heavy objects

Mental Floss prevents Moral Decay

Minds, like parachutes, work best when open...

Most people deserve each other!

My karma ran over your dogma

Never argue with a fool...people may not be able to tell you apart

Never Argue With a Skunk, Mule, Woman or a SysOp

Never do card tricks for the group you play poker with

Never do your enemy a minor injury

Never explain;your friends don't need it;your enemies won't believe it

Never forget that your weapon is made by the lowest bidder

Never go to a doctor whose office plants have died

Never let your sense of morality stop you from doing what is right

Never make the same mistake twice...there are so many new ones to make!

Never put off till tomorrow what you can ignore entirely

Never question your wife's judgement...look whom she married

Never tell a lie, unless lying is your strongest point

Never trust a dog with orange eyebrows

Never trust anyone who speaks well of everyone

Never try to outstubborn a cat. You won't do it

Never, ever trust anyone under 30 or over 25

No occifer, I'm not under the akafluence of incohol

Nothing fails like success.

Nothing is foolproof; fools are so ingenious

Nothing is very funny when you're underneath it

Of all the things I lost, I miss my mind the most...

On a quiet night, you can hear a FORD rust!

Once I thought I was wrong - but I was mistaken

OPERATOR! Trace this call and tell me where I am

PANDORA.ZIP Warning! DO NOT unZip this file!

Peace and long life

Perhaps, one day, our ability to love won't be so limited

Pi = 3 for large values of 3 and small values of pi

Plan to be more spontaneous

Poker Face: The face that launched a thousand chips

Pornographic materials? I don't even have a pornograph!

Powdered water -- just add ... hmmm

Power Corrupts... Absolute Power is kind of neat!

Practice random acts of kindness and senseless acts of beauty

Practice safe government... Use kingdoms!

Predestination was doomed from the beginning

Professor: a textbook wired for sound

Proofread carefully to see if you any words out

Psychocheramics: The study of crackpots

Puns are bad, but poetry is verse

Radioactive halibut makes great fission chips!

Reality is for people who can't cope with me

Reality-ometer: [\........] Hmmph! Thought so...

Red meat is GOOD for you. Fuzzy blue-green meat is BAD...

Remember when the air was clean and sex was dirty?

Resistence is useless! (if less than 1 ohm)

Revenge is a dish best served cold -Old Klingon Proverb

Romulan Ale: excellent drink and a great paint remover!

Science does not remove the terror of the gods

Semiconductors: Part time musicians

Sigh: An amplifier for people who suffer in silence

Sin Tax? Since when is the government a religion?

Smooth seas never made a good sailor

Somehow I've always known that I'd never be psychic

Sometimes it is enough to show teeth, but if you must bite, bite deep!

Spring makes everything young again except humans

Stupidity is NOT a handicap! PARK ELSEWHERE!

Survival law -- If you don't kill them - They'll kill you

Synonym: A word you use when you can't spell the other

Take my advice, I don't use it anyway

Taken as a whole, the universe is absurd

Tears they flow but why am I crying, after all I'm not afraid of dying

Thanks! I'll try to FREQ it

THAT tagline is true ---><--- THAT tagline is false

That was a pointing device? My cat thought it was dinner

That wasn't telepathy, that was just common sense ...

The best defense against logic is stupidity

The best way to save face is to keep the lower part shut

The cost of living hasn't affected its popularity

The Four Food Groups: Caffine, Chocolate, Sugar and Sex

The gods too are fond of a joke

The human spirit is a hard thing to kill, even with a chain saw

The lab just called - your brain is ready

The more complex the mind, the more the need for the simplicity of play

The next Time Travel seminar will be held last week

The saddest of words: I always wanted to but never did

The same sun that melts the wax hardens the clay...

The secret of happiness is stupid, short-term, self-interest

The sword in your enemy's heart is the sword in your own; for you are he

The trouble with resisting temptation is it may never come your way again

The two most common elements in the universe: Hydrogen & Stupidity

The weather is here, wish you were beautiful - Jimmy Buffett

There IS intelligent life in the universe. It ignores us

There is intelligent life on Earth, but we are just visiting

There is much to be said for failure. It is more interesting than success

There is no honor in boring an enemy to death

There is no man so blind as he who will not see

There is no power like firepower

There, that will do till a REAL explanation comes along

Thermonuclear Warheads: Don't run, you'll only die tired

They won't catch us, we're on a mission from God!

Think carefully before wishing, it might just come true

Those without heads do not need hats

To err is Human. To blame someone else is politics

To err is human. To purr feline

To every rule there is an exception, and vice versa

To live in the hearts we leave behind, is not to die

Took an hour to bury the cat, wouldn't hold still...

Trespassers will be shot, survivors will be shot again!

Two people can live as cheaply as one, for half as long

Two rights don't make a wrong, they make an airplane

Typos? Blame my cat

UNNAMED LAW: If it happens, it must be possible

Vegetarians eat vegetables. Beware of humanitarians!

Victim of a cranial/rectal inversion

WARNING ... drinking tap water can kill your thirst!

Warning! Taking me seriously can be hazadous to your health

We can defeat gravity. The problem is the paperwork involved

We challenge you! Our armpits are stronger than yours!

We demand peaceful relations or we'll blow up your planet

We're just two lost souls swimming in a fishbowl

Well???? That's a hole in the ground. It even has water in it!

Whales are mammals. Mammals have hair. SHAVE THE WHALES!

What are you doing?!? The message is over, GO AWAY!

What if there were no hypothetical questions?

What is the air speed veloicty of an unladened swallow?

What is the purpose of dreams...if they never become reality?

What's the point of backstabbing if you can't twist the knife?

WHAT? Take you to our leader? PLEASE take him with you!

When all else fails, do it yourself

When in doubt, duck

When there is no danger in fighting, there is no glory in winning

When will they ever learn?

When you dial a wrong number, you never get a busy signal

When you shoot a mime, should you use a silencer?

When you try to prove to someone that a machine won't work, it will

When your logic fails, trust a hunch

Wherever you go, there you are

Which is worse: ignorance or apathy? Who knows? Who cares?

While(math_teacher() == talk) fall_asleep();

Who gives a damn about apathy?

Why can't you be a non-conformist like everyone else?

Why get even, when you can get odd?

Without fools there would be no wisdom

Women are like fires; They go out if left unattended

Women are like programs. A smart man keeps backups

Women like silent men. They think they're listening

Would you like to talk about it or do you want to break more furniture

You can always find what you're not looking for

You can't eat your friends and have them too

You don't fool me!! You're not really an idiot!

You mean you wanted it to WORK?

You never know what you know!

You're entitled to your opinion, even if yours is wrong

You're perfect, yes, it's true. But without me you're only you

Your ambushes would be more successful if you bathed more often!

Your stinking industrial bathwater: my wine

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